Sometimes, Sometimes
by A-Spirit
Summary: COMPLETE. He likes to dance in the rain. He likes the color that the sky turns to when the sun is gone and it's all dark and he can feel hidden. He thinks he promised that he would never let go. SSHP Slash!


**Disclaimer:** The characters belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Rating: PG**

**Summary: **He thinks he promised that he would never let go...

**Author:****_Spirit_**

_**Sometimes, Sometimes**_

x

He likes it when the pretty lady strokes his hair.

He likes her voice because it's soft and kind and she's always smiling when he looks at her. She told him her name once but he forgot it as soon as she laughed. Something tells him that he knows her laugh and sometimes, sometimes, sometimes he sees her in his mind laughing at something stupid that he did. But she doesn't remember him remembering her. He can tell because when he asks she always tells him that it's not possible to live in someone else's mind. And the man with red hair would come and take her place beside him and there would be no more fingers at the back of his head.

He tells them that he's God incarnate and the son of David. Not that he knows what this means. It just sounds about right because he hears the whispers at night that no one wants him to hear. They call him a saviour and say that he did something great. Not that he can remember anyway. All he sees when he closes his eyes are dark dark eyes that turn to grey and green light that's covered in red. Sometimes, anyway. But then he wakes and there is no such person and he's just remembering to remember someone again.

He thinks he promised that he would never let go.

He would rather sit in the small white room and bang his head against the wall than to see the dark eyes in his mind looking so accusing and loving at the same time. Sometimes it hurts him to look around because the room would be swimming in blood and he would be the one bleeding this time. And he would be the one that should have been standing where the green light hit _him_ when _he_ stepped in front of it to save him. Because why would someone do that? Because why would he have not wanted to live some more? Because why would _he_ break his own promise to stay forever with him?

He likes to dance in the rain, he tells them when they won't listen. He likes the color that the sky turns to when the sun is gone and it's all dark and he can feel hidden and it's alright to not feel so alone and cold anymore. He likes to think that there is someone watching him. He promised that he would not die soon. And it's hard. And no one else can hear the way the deep silky voice would say his name at nights. He knows that he's not dreaming then. He tells them that last night someone else was in his mind and when he dreams he feels better, really he does. They tell him that it's not okay to say that. They tell him that dead is dead and the dead can't dream about the not-dead. He thinks they're wrong but he doesn't tell them that because they weren't there when he was being kissed and held. They didn't know, didn't know, didn't know. He thinks maybe he should tell them one day but it's a secret and it's the only secret thing he can ever remember not to break.

He doesn't tell them that he sneaks out sometimes at nights. He doesn't tell them that when it's raining he wants to cry and it makes him feel better to stand outside in the middle of the night when the sky is crying too. He thinks _he_ misses him sometimes and that's why the rain falls. But that's silly-thinking they would tell him, if he told them. Because from what he can remember from not remembering the memories, _he_ never cried and _he_ never let him cry either and _he_ was always so much braver than they gave him credit for and _he_ wasn't a traitor. He hates that he's the only one that know-knows this.

When the ground is wet he lies down on it and feels when the water drops from the sky. He presses his ear against the ground and pretends that he's listen to something else. He says he'll get up after this drop. No after this drop. Okay, after this drop. Wait, after this drop. He thinks sometimes that he's afraid to not hear the sound because it would be like pressing his head against something else like he did that one time and _that one time _there was no beat after _that beat _and it was so, so silent and he couldn't feel anything else either. He thinks sometimes that he doesn't like his promise anymore and he just wants to have him back. He just wants to have him back. Just one more time. And he promises that he will believe him this time. He promises that he won't call him a coward again. And this time, next time, he won't let him step in front of him again. And he'll not get mad again when he snarls and snaps. And he'll love him more, if that's possible, because he really did love him a lot. He did, he did, he did. He just wants him back again just to say "I'm sorry" and "I love you, you stupid bastard", one more time.

But he likes it most of all when he's tired and can't cry anymore. He likes it when he can pretend to be dead too. The light always seems so much brighter when he's dead and he doesn't feel so cold anymore because _he_ can be there and _he_ can hold him in that fake-reluctant way he always did at nights. And then there would be fingers sliding through his hair telling him to belt up and grow a pair and to stop acting so damn fascinated with how black his longer hair is because isn't his own hair almost the same shade of ebony. And to promise that if anything ever happened then he wouldn't do anything stupid. He doesn't think it's too stupid to miss him so much that it hurts his chest and he can't breathe. He doesn't think it's too stupid that he would rather curl into a ball on the floor and talk to him and pretend that he can hear him answering in that tone _he_ always liked to use. He doesn't think it's at all stupid to pretend that he's dead too because _he_ promised, promised, promised that he would never leave him and _he_ broke his promise first and it's unfair.

So he lies awake in his bed in the pretty white room and strokes his own hair and forgets that he saved the world. Because it doesn't make any sense and it's a lie and how could he have saved anything when he died that night too. Because he distinctively remembers being remembered and promising to remember forever and no matter how much he wishes that he could not do it, he knows he will try _try _try to do it no matter how much it hurts.

And maybe if he keeps his promise he can still see him in his mind. Even though the pretty lady and the man with red hair tells him that _he_ was a traitor and deserved to die. He knows better. He does. He won't forget because he promised he wouldn't and it's a secret that they loved each other so, so much that it hurt to be alone now. And all he can do now is to remember for the two of them even though sometimes, sometimes he forgets everything else.

_x-Fin-x_


End file.
